But It Fell Flat.
I’m not naive enough to think that my tiny little blog here is going to change the entirety of the human race. However, things need to start somewhere. And I thought, if one person starts talking, if just one person comes to embrace who they are, share their life openly without any of the messiness kept hidden, what would happen? Would other people be inspired? Would someone start to feel comfortable and okay with themselves? Could even just one person find comfort in the fact that they’re not alone, and that their struggles can be beautiful?
That’s the point. That’s always been the point. For this blog, I mean.
I’ve stated it lots before. So much, in fact, that I’m sure you’re all sick of hearing it. I’m a really messy person. Convinced I’m going crazy the majority of the time, and as for the rest of it, I’m probably too distracted to care. I’m lonely, can barely figure out what’s what, and the amount of help and support I’ve had in, well, anything really, is next to nothing. Awesome.
So the point, of course, is to maybe reach out there and let other people know that there’s something else out there besides the alienation and whatever else that a great lot of us feel on a daily basis. Maybe in the process of figuring myself out, finding my own magic, and (hopefully) coming to believe that life is actually worth while, maybe someone else can benefit from it.
Only not so much.
The internet’s an interesting place, and I don’t always think about things. I have trouble seeing anything that’s not right in front of my face, to be honest. It’s so bad, that I literally have to remind myself on a daily basis to talk to people and be friendly, or I just won’t. It’s not that I don’t care or that I don’t want to be, but I can only seem to keep so many thoughts in my head at one time. Maybe my mom was right about that ADHD thing after all. I dunno.
It’s come to my attention that I’ve deviated from the whole bloody point of this entire thing. I missed the mark, went too far, overstepped, and that’s not okay. For someone who tries so ridiculously hard, sometimes too much so, to be of the biggest benefit to others I can be, I kinda made a mess of some things. Again, we’re trying to discover happiness in the world, not ruin it. Not cool.
I want to be okay. I want to be liked and appreciated and supported. Seeing as how I’m starting up my life again from complete scratch, I want to do it right – better than I did before. I don’t want the same stupid rules to apply to my life, I want better than that. And I’m trying, I really am.
But I lose sight of things sometimes. I mess up. I do dumb things without thinking it through, and sometimes the implications of those things are bigger than I really would’ve thought they’d be. As clever of a person as I like to think I am, I’m not always. I get trapped in myself, torn between different extremes without knowing how to balance them out, and shit happens.
Shit’s been happening a lot recently, and I’m sorry for that. It’s not fair, it’s not cool, and it’s not right. I can’t be roping other people into things, bringing things into this that aren’t mine to bring, and I fully understand how trashy of a thing that is to do.
I guess I thought that it wouldn’t make a difference – wouldn’t matter. Small blog that no one really reads, so what’s the point? Besides, the amount of people I actually know who read this are a huge whopping three, so whatever. I’m not saying anything bad – at least I didn’t think I was – and as long as I only spoke about my life and no one else’s, it was all good. Or maybe I just didn’t think. I don’t know. Seems I’m pretty good at not thinking sometimes. Guess the internet kinda seems vast and anonymous until it’s not.
I get that.
So, what more can I do than apologize and fix things in the best way that I know how? If I ever said anything offensive, upsetting, or whatever else – which wasn’t my intention at all – I’m sorry. It’s gone, dealt with, sifted through and abandoned with the reassurance that everything was seen by approximately eleven people. I keep track.
So, I screwed up. Don’t even think I know how much I screwed up. And again, there’s nothing I can do about the repercussions of anything besides asking for forgiveness and sincerely promising to write nothing besides me. I’m sorry for not thinking, for not considering the implications of anything, and for doing what I did. I have every intention of doing what I can to make things as fixed as they can be.
I only hope things will be okay.