So, my sister’s pretty smart. To be honest, even though she’s over two years younger than me, I’ve recently been feeling like she’s actually older. She certainly seems to have her life together more than I do, seems more adult in a lot of ways, and while that makes me happy for her, it really only makes me feel worse about myself.
Don’t get me wrong here. I’m so fed up with comparing myself to others and the damage that brings to myself, that I wouldn’t do that with her. However, I just wish I was at the same place, you know? I wish we could both be moving forward together – and that’s it, really.
That being said, she knows what it’s to be anxious, to be depressed and everything in between. She’s always been known to be the unstable one, not me, and it seems like we really switched roles recently. So, of course, when she came to visit for a few days, I took the opportunity to ask her how she got through everything, and what she thought about things. Thankfully, she had some good things to say – which happened to directly correlate with my post from before.
Let me pose a question to you guys quickly – where are you in your world?
Now, we’ve already covered the fact that you’re actually a world and not just a human, and what exactly that means. We talked about creating a safe space for yourself within that world, a camp, if you will, and how all that will benefit you.
But I want to take a step back for a moment. Let’s go back into that world of yours. Like I said before, the universe within you is vast, full of both the dark places and the light. I often, of course, picture my world like Middle Earth. We’ve got Mordor and Hobbiton and everything in between, right? You probably picture your world differently than mine, which is cool, but the analogy works the same. So use your imagination with me a little bit here, and picture yourself in your world.
I always thought my default position in this world was this huge and vast field – the kind you would have seen Laura Ingalls running through in Little House on the Prairie. It’s nice out, the sun is shining and spiders don’t exists, and my camp is somewhere nearby. Whenever I would picture myself in my universe, I would consider myself in that place, and move forward from there.
However, it’s my sister that posed a challenge to this. I asked her why depression always seems to be my default emotional state. I’ll get temporarily distracted by things, yes, but once that’s over, I go back to being miserable. And thinking about this, it’s been like that my entire life.
She presented the concept to me that maybe depression is where I feel the most comfortable. Maybe I keep going to that place again and again because it’s what I’m used to and it makes me feel safe. Now, I already touched on this a bit when I talked about misery being an addiction, but I want to tackle this from another angle. Like my sister said, sadness isn’t just an addiction, but it’s a safety.
So I repeat, where are you in your world?
She asked me this, and I started thinking. Of course, I’m in that field, right? I’m in a cute happy place where everything is okay and I can explore from there. I picture myself, and see that. Awesome.
But that was wrong, and the more I thought about it, the more I knew my ‘default’ position wasn’t that field at all. I wasn’t in some happy little place somewhere, I was camping out in the middle of Mordor. I’ve been putting myself into the middle of the worst lands that exist in my world. This, of course, is my pattern. I was fooling myself into believing that I was actually in a good place when I’ve been camped out in a bad one. That’s my cycle, get it? I’m not mentally in a good place, but rather, I keep myself in a system of distractions and misery, and I had no idea that I had been doing it.
Now that I’m aware of it, however, I can start exploring why I’m putting myself there, and how to stop doing so.
So again, I go back to the original question: where are you in your own world? Are you really putting yourself among beauty and happiness, or are you like me – fooling yourself into believing you are when you’ve been setting up camp in darkness all along? Where are you, and where are you truly existing? What cycles are you putting yourself through?
Because you can only change something once you become aware of it, my challenge to you is this: take time to explore your own world and your location within it. Where is your ‘default’ position in this universe? Where do you find yourself?