I Can Say ‘Shit,’ Without Being a Terrible Person

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I don’t often write two posts in a day – or rather, I don’t upload them at the same time. I try not to. I hate places that spam, and you get more than enough emails every day without me sending out posts to you constantly. So I try to keep things within the three day a week schedule I put into place.

However, this was important.

Maybe it’s just important to me. Maybe it’s just on my mind and I need to get it out into the open. Maybe posting this will be like some sort of big confession for me and I’ll be able to take myself more seriously. I don’t really know. Then again, I don’t really care much either.

I’m so freaking done. I’m done with everything.

I grew up believing that you had to be a certain person in order to be ‘good.’ You had to love everyone, no matter how terrible they were. You had to always be kind, always see the best, always consider things from other’s points of view, and always be understanding. I didn’t have a right to get mad at someone because that would mean that I was being rude. I wasn’t allowed to be honest about how I was feeling and what was going on with me because I would be a burden to everyone else. I wasn’t allowed to be loud and in your face or whatever, because that was too much for everyone to deal with.

And I’m freaking sick of it. 

I’m tired of living my life passive, as if I just have to ride the waves of fate because there’s absolutely nothing I can to do to impact the future. I’m tired of believing that I’m a victim of my circumstances and have to forever deal with the consequences of other people’s bad choices. I’m tired of living out of fear, believing that unless I conform to a certain standard of female or personhood, that I’m not going to be wanted. I’m done with worrying about everyone else’s decisions as if my life were in their hands and not my own.

It’s absolutely and utterly BS, and I’m not going to live my life like that anymore.

I can’t. I’m at the end of my self. I can’t get lower than this. Literally. There’s no worse off than I how I am except for being dead. I’ve lost everything. I barely know who I am and what I want anymore. I know absolutely nothing about life when I used to think I had answers for everything, and I’m in the dark so much I feel like I’ve gone completely blind.

And I’m not going to be able to sit back and expect my ‘destiny’ to fix things for me. 

This is my story, and I get to write it however I see fit. No matter who that ticks off, who comes to hate me, and who disagrees with me. I can’t keep writing my life as if I had no control of it whatsoever. I can’t keep writing it as if I’m not the protagonist of my own story, and everyone else’s feelings are more important to consider than my own. I have to stop writing as if I have to part myself for everyone else’s needs.

It’s not freaking happening anymore.

And that’s not to say that I’m not going to have bad days, that thing’s won’t stress me out, and I’ll all of a sudden be immune to whatever anyone else does to me. It would be delightful if that were the case, but unfortunately, it’s not.

The point is (I think I say that in every single one of my posts), that I’m a freaking warrior. I’ve always been a warrior. I don’t put up with crap from anyone, and I fight for myself and those I love. But somewhere along the line I stopped fighting to watch the battle from the outside, believing that nothing I did could ever impact the outcome. And I’d struggle alone and in fear because I believed everything was happening around me, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t change anything.

But this is my life, my freaking story, and I’m so fed up with being passive. 

It’s one thing to think that ‘things will get better,’ but it’s another thing altogether to use that as an excuse for your inaction. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing, waiting on the sidelines of my own life until something gives. Of course, it never does.

So grab your swords guys, grab your freaking bows and load them up with arrows laced with fire. Because I don’t know about you, but I’m not taking this lying down anymore. I’m not sitting by and watching the world battle without me, watching as my story writes itself, and my life passes me by. It’s time to take control of my own destiny, stop playing victim, and start living

 

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